Let's Talk About Consent, Baby!
By Katie Lotz
By Michael Lee, modeled by Molly Warriner
Recently, I was having a conversation with a few friends about the changes that have been brought about in the past few years as a result of the MeToo movement, and other such large scale conversations about sexual misconduct. For the most part, our discussion celebrated the ways in which our culture is beginning to hold predators accountable, but it took a strange turn when one friend voiced his concerns that these changes are making us disconnected and cold. “I mean, I know people who feel like they need to ask before they hug an acquaintance now. Don’t you think that’s a little sad?,” he asked, in disbelief. I had to laugh, even though I understood where he was coming from. His comments speak to a large issue in society; we think that physical contact should always be welcomed, and that if it isn’t, the responsibility is on the receiver to make that known. We live in a culture that assumes that consent is the default, even though this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Consent, such an essential and simple concept, is somehow consistently left out of the narrative of many spaces that shape our views and understanding of sex. We are constantly bombarded by TV shows, movies and porn that portray sex as a quick, passionate montage of two people ripping each other’s clothes off, sans conversation, and immediately knowing what the other person wants. Does this wildly unrealistic, telepathic version of sex seem fun and romantic? Sure, but it’s not always realistic or necessarily preferable. Even in spaces that are intended to educate people on sex, such as many junior high and high school health classes, consent is barely a footnote. It’s almost laughable that showing teenagers how to put a condom on a banana (if that) is seen as peak sex education, when we aren’t even teaching them about the one thing that they absolutely must have before sex: consent. So, let's talk about it!
What does true consent look like?
True consent is a continuous, honest conversation about what you and your partner(s) are comfortable with, and it is made up of three basic tenets:
Consent is Informed: In order for a person to give consent, they need to be aware of everything that is happening. This means there should be no deception of any kind, and their decision shouldn’t be clouded by being under the influence.
Consent is Ongoing: At any point in time, each person has the right to retract their consent, or change their mind about something. Just because a person consents to one thing, does not mean that they consent to another. For example, consent to kissing does not equal consent to anything further. In addition to this, a person may consent to something once, but that does not mean that they automatically consent to it in the future. Consequentally, consent needs to be an ongoing conversation with your partner(s), both before and during sex.
Consent is Enthusiastic: Sex should be fun, exciting, and fulfilling for everyone involved! No one should ever be pressured or manipulated into sex, or feel like they have to do anything they aren’t comfortable with.
How can I incorporate consent into my relationships?
Consent, above all else, is required, and any sexual activity that occurs in the absence of consent is criminal sexual assault or rape. The structure you build with your partner(s) is up two you both. Keep the conversation on-going, as discussing consent can still look like a lot of different things depending on the people and the relationship. That being said, consent shouldn’t feel like a chore, or some kind of nerve wracking conversation; it’s the opposite! Consent is an opportunity to connect with your partner. It is a chance to make sure that you both are on the same page about what you want, and a way to make sure you give each other the best experience possible. Practice being mindful of consent in your romantic relationships by checking in with your partner during sex, or even just when you put your arm around them or lean in for a kiss during a movie. Hozier, the Grammy-nominated Irish singer/songwriter, said it best when he tweeted in November of 2017, “Consent is sexy… if you're not convinced that consent, audible consent -something uttered, something whispered, something called for loudly- is sexy… you may not be doing this right.”
Furthermore, consent doesn’t have to be sexual. There are a lot of ways that you can consciously practice consent in all of your relationships. For example, if you happen to be a member of the population of people who greets everyone by brushing aside a handshake and declaring, “I’m a hugger!”, consider instead greeting people with something along the lines of “It’s great to meet you! Can I give you a hug?”. On the flip side, if you are a “germaphobe”, or simply not a very touchy-feely person, and someone is going in for an unwanted hug, don’t be afraid to voice your uncomfortability and offer up a smile or a handshake instead. Making an effort to be mindful of consent, and comfortable asserting your own consent in any context will not only help you form stronger, more trusting relationships, it will help shift our culture from one that accepts consent as the default, to one that understands the importance of listening to and meeting each other’s needs.
Obviously, I don’t echo my friend’s concerns that a heightened sensitivity towards touching one another is making us more distant, or cold. In fact, I believe that the exact opposite is happening. By being sensitive towards the comfortability of others, and by rejecting the notion that consent is the default, we are becoming more connected to each other than ever before.