Losing It: Social Pressures
‘Losing It’ is Sunstroke’s monthly sex education column. We examines the ways in which our socially constructed ideas of “virginity” influence our thoughts on sex, love and identity – particularly in the context of our
”first time.”
By Katie Lotz
Photograph by Colton Rothwell, modeled by Colton and Orion Bos
Some quotes have been lightly edited for length and clarity.
From losing your first tooth to losing “it,” the first time for anything is always memorable. New experiences are bound to feel unfamiliar, but more often than not, we have some kind of blueprint for what to expect; for instance, someone probably taught you how to tie your shoes, or walked you through what your first day at a new job would be like. However, when it comes to our first sexual experience, not everyone finds themselves with a plethora of knowledge about what to expect. This is especially the case for many LGBTQ+ people, who lack equal representation in the media and most sex education courses. Representation can be more important that we realize, and oftentimes what is most harmful to young, vulnerable groups above all else is a lack of representation. We caught up with Colton, an art student with a passion for photography and the outdoors, about his experiences discovering his identity and sexuality, and how they were influenced by this lack of representation.
Growing up in a Christian household, Colton had many expectations placed on him regarding himself and his sexuality. For one, Colton recalls that sex was very stigmatized in his household, and was portrayed as something shameful that should be kept quiet. In addition to religious pressures that glorified virginity, Colton also felt that he was inherently assumed to be straight, and was expected to date and eventually marry a woman. Being raised in an environment where conversations about sex were discouraged, and different sexualities weren’t discussed, Colton’s journey of discovering his sexuality became more difficult.
In addition to at-home stigmas surrounding sex, Colton faced a different set of obstacles with his friends. Every teenager wants to fit in, and for many teenage boys, there is a pressure to start having sex at a young age in order to seem cool. Describing this feeling, Colton said, “Before I lost my virginity I felt like it was something I needed to do. I feel like there's sort of a pressure to do it to fit in and not [fall] behind.” The status of being a “virgin” is so stigmatized by the media for men, that it often makes young men feel left out or inferior. “Especially hanging around a lot of boys growing up, it was the “cool” thing to do. You’re cool if you’re having sex,” Colton recalled, “I definitely felt a pressure as a closeted gay man to have sex with a woman just to fit in and keep up with my peers.”
Despite the fact that these social pressures, from both family and friends, made it difficult for Colton to be able to comfortably explore his sexuality, he stayed true to himself and began a relationship in high school. After he and his boyfriend had been on and off for about a year, they decided to have sex, an experience that Colton overall recalls fondly. Still, even though his First Time was overall a positive experience, Colton felt that it wasn’t as dramatic as it was hyped up to be: “It was good, but it wasn't super magical or anything. It wasn't like, ‘Oh my God, my world has changed!’ It was nice, but [not] super impactful.”
While everyone’s first sexual experience is bound to involve some fumbling and confusion, Colton found that a lack of diverse education and representation about sex made navigating his First Time even harder. For example, Colton noted that “there (are)... roles that aren’t blatantly specified (in a gay relationship), like with tops and bottoms.” For straight relationships, there is an abundance of representation, education, and even gender roles and stereotypes that inform young people of the ins and outs of sex and relationships; while these resources aren’t always helpful or preferable, they still provide young adults with a jumping-off point, and some semblance of a blueprint for how (or how not) to navigate relationships. For LGBTQ+ youth, these examples are few and far between, often leaving them to have to figure things out for themselves.
“What do you look at to figure it out? It's porn, and that's not a great example usually of how you want to be with your partner in the bedroom.” According to Colton, after finding that his sex education classes had failed to provide him with relevant information, he, like most LGBTQ+ youth, sought to better understand sex through porn. Unfortunately, as Colton noted, porn is entertainment, not education, and often doesn’t depict realistic, healthy, or safe sex. Colton cites this as another reason that he was hesitant to explore his sexuality, “I think thats what ultimately led me to be afraid of having sex, because it’s easy to mistake porn for what it’s actually like.” Ultimately, healthy communication and more positive experiences enabled Colton to overcome these fears and feel comfortable with sex.
Eventually, Colton found the support he needed in order to come out to his family and friends, and find the love and acceptance that is rightfully his. Still, many things could have made his journey easier, primarily: more representation. Sex education courses across America (and most education systems) tend to portray sex in a very removed, heteronormative way, that leaves many LGBTQ+ kids with unanswered questions, and feeling like outcasts. According to Colton, this lack of representation in sex education classes not only leaves many members of the LGBTQ+ community without essential information about how to have safe, enjoyable sex, but it also leaves them feeling alienated. Colton emphasized the importance of making sure that LGBTQ+ students aren’t footnoted by expressing that teachers should keep in mind that, “There are gay kids in school. Whether they’re out or not, they’re there”.